Day 1

Someone told me that I would be yelled at the minute I parked my car; I thought they were joking. NOT! After driving for 5.5 hours, I pulled into Maxwell Air Force Base in Motgomery AL at 3:00 PM – where it was 95 degrees Fahrenheit in MAY. I saw the signs for COT in-processing and followed them, and when I drove around the bend I saw people already lined up in formation. I parked in the first spot I saw (turned out to be a staff person’s space) and hustled to the staging area. The first guy I saw – a big dude with a high-and-tight haircut, sunglasses and a drill hat (yeah, the kind you see in the movies) – yelled at me, “SIR – do you have any luggage?” I responded, “Yes, sir.” He yelled back, “Do you want me to get it for you, or should I send a servant? Get your things, leave them on the picnic table, and get in line!” I ran back to my car, grabbed my backback, dragged my wheeled duffel bag abd wheeled suitcase down the sidewalk… which abrubtly ended, leaving me to drag these two kosher food-laden bags across the gravel until I got to the tables. By the time I got in line, I was sweating like a glass of iced tea in Memphis. Which sounds really good right about now.

We were taken inside into a pseudo-air conditioned room for stage one of in-processing. I stood at attention for an hour and a half. No joke. When it was finally my turn, I had to go through stations: checking in, getting our keys and access codes, paying for our MRE’s (meals, ready to eat) for when we are out in field, etc. At each station we were yelled at regarding how we addressed the staff people, what we answered, what we were wearing. I was weighted (four pounds heavier than my scale said that very morning – who knew my wallet and clothes weighed that much?) and my height was measured (I seemed to have grown an inch!) and my waist was measured, as well (I seemed to have gained an inch there, as well. At least I’m consistent). All of this was done with interminable waits, all at attantion, and constantly being yelled at.

We were finally allowed to bring our luggage to our rooms and unpack. I have a wonderful roommate, a 24 year old Latter Day Saints member and soon-to-be doctor named 2d Lt Bryce Coombs. I am rooming with a guy my son’s age! The rooms are nice enough; think Motel 6. After unpacking we had to report to the D-FAC (Dining Facility) for dinner. That’s where my first in-your face dress-down occurred. The COT website clearly stated to bring $40 in cash to pay for meals the first week. However, they took that $40 to pay for MRE’s (see above). When we were in-processing, they told us we needed $50, not $40 – but there is no ATM on the immediete campus, so I didn’t get any more money. As a result, when we got in the chow line, I just walked through with an empty tray. An officer swaw me and started yelling at me that I have to eat. I tried to evade by explaining that that my diet doesn’t allow me to eat this food. He called my bluff and said, “You mean you can’t eat anything here? Are the apples and oranges not kosher?” I had to confess that I had no money. “And when did you discover that you had no money?” “Sir, during in processing” (Unlike the movies, every sentence – EVERY sentence – MUST begin with the word “Sir” – except for, “Yes, sir” or “No, sir”. It’s “Sir, thank you,” not “Thank you, sir.” And they WILL call you out EACH time you screw up). “And did you tell anyone that you didn’t have any money so we could have addressed the problem?”

“No, sir.” All of this within earshot of the State of Mississippi. You get the idea. I sat in the mess hall drinking a protein drink that I snagged on the way out of my room. Boy, did I look like an idiot.

We were dismissed early, and I went back to my room to study (we have to carry a rules manual around all the time, and during any “at-ease” while waiting in line you BETTER have it in your hands studying, or a passing officer will stop and quiz you). I took the opportunity to finally eat a can of tuna… I showered, changed and went to sleep…